Louis Shalako
When I got up this morning, I had two smokes left.
Normally, I wouldn’t leave the house until around ten o’clock.
I’ve developed quite the routine. To go to
Seven-Eleven, get a cup of coffee. To drive down to the rez, and pick up
anywhere from one pack to a carton of smokes…to take back a few empties to the
beer store and pick up a few more beers. I go to the grocery store for one
litre of milk when it really is cheaper to buy the bag of three litres. It’s a
matter of killing time.
It’s a make-work project. It gives me something to do.
Let’s face it. I live alone. I’m not married, I don’t
have a girlfriend or boyfriend. I don’t have kids or grandkids. I don’t have a
job.
I don’t have any hobby outside of writing, although at
one time I did.
Smoking is accessible—anyone can afford to smoke. You
can buy a pack of shitty smokes for two bucks. You can get a can of beer for
two bucks. It does bring a kind of relief—for what it’s worth and for how long
it lasts.
A lot of the time we don’t even get any enjoyment out
of it. It's a kind of sublimation of some other personal desires, at least that's my theory.
It's possible to look back to a time before I smoked. I was happy enough in not smoking...
What in the hell happened...???
How many times have I squinted through the smoke,
choking and gagging a bit, as I tried to put in my password to get in to the
email account?
It doesn’t make any sense.
Today, I skipped the shower, got dressed and rushed
off to get them damned smokes.
So far today, since 7:30 a.m., I’ve had thirteen
cigarettes. It’s about 4:30 p.m. and this is actually pretty good for me.
Normally I would have been onto that second pack by
now.
It is true that I have spent many happy hours, in
front of the computer, with a pack of smokes, a cold beer and working away on
yet another story.
Part of it, I think is boredom—sheer, unmitigated
boredom. It’s like I don’t quite know what to do with myself.
At one time, this might have seemed like the perfect
life.
I also think that quitting—especially smoking,
cold-turkey, would be a little too traumatic.
The time to quit is while I still have money!
That might be a good motivator.
It’s a question of how long I can keep it up.
There is the question of what I might replace it with…
Some question of where
do I go from here, I guess.
But almost anything would be better than what I’m
doing right now.
END
