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| Served with stolen, or 'foranged' cherry tomatoes. |
Due to the fact that the Province of Ontario has zero intentions of raising disability pensions anytime soon, we are pleased to bring you this age-old, family recipe for Stone Soup.
I come from a Scythian background, thanks very much—
First, you will need to visit your local parking lot and do a bit of foranging. Basically, telling the disabled that they will need to forage for their food can be a bit degrading, a bit dehumanizing, a bit of a genocidal bourgeois fallacy, a statement which debases the speaker even more than the people he, she or it is talking about, but the fact is the English language has long needed a word that rhymes with orange…it just sounds a lot more fun.
Today’s recipe includes purslane, which grows in a base soil, for example cracks in concrete pavement, and which can be found everywhere due to crumbling infrastructure in this post-truth environment. Purslane is good for aches and colds and sore assholes, and pimples on the dink, so don’t be afraid to experiment. We like to give this a good, cold rinse and then a long soak, again in cold water. We do the same with any cannabis leaves we can scrounge, (or scorange), but the fact is that shit is barely smokeable…
Dandelion greens are a hearty, tasty, easily procurable salad vegetable, although you don’t want to use the ones found in a rich Progressive Conservative’s lawn as they are riddled with banned weed-control chemicals. A trace won’t kill you, but it’s not too good for the innards, and you don’t want to turn into a superhero, otherwise you will be wearing capes and leotards for the foreseeable future. It’s all right for the girls, but yeesh, buddy. How friggin’ gay is that. Anyhow, wash the bird-shit off that in the usual way.
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| The bourgeois idea of how the disabled should live... |
This recipe calls for four or five large stones, and while beach stones are the best, nothing beats good old limestone. Honestly, it really doesn’t have to be igneous or metamorphic.
If you’re feeding small children, well!!! Kids just love those colourful little breakfast pebbles already; and who doesn’t enjoy a good day at the beach. Just give ‘em a good wash, to get the bird-shit offa there and place them in the bottom of a pan.
Cooking.
Place stones and four cups of cold water, along with any other ingredients, in a saucepan donated from the Inn of the Fucking Goof or any crummy, shitty thrift store, whom, as you know, are working very, very hard to prevent the government from raising ODSP/OW, (disability/welfare). I like to cook them to an internal temperature of 165 degrees per the Ontario Safe Food Handlers Guide. Salt and pepper, season to taste. A bit of margarine will put a slick on there, like Talfourd Creek any day of the week around here.
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| Meal prep is made easy-peasy!!! |
Once you get that up to heat, poke holes in the rocks
to let out the blood. When the juices run thin and clear, the stones are done.
As for storage, (better yet, storange),
stones need to be kept in a cool dry place, so a bucket under the kitchen cupboard
will do just fine. No refrigeration required, and sometimes that is a good thing.
As you can see, even a single guy like me can make enough for leftovers.
Leftovers is good, ladies and gentlemen.
It’s time to eat. Try not to look like you’re enjoying it too much, hungry as hell as you must be by this point, i.e., the second or third day of the month after cheque day. If you are on ODSP and you’re not suffering enough, the middle class figures they are getting #ripped_off .
Next week: Cock Soup, which is actually just a dead rooster.
Although almost any dead bird from the side of the road will do.
Honestly, it’s not a cock. Not a real one, anyways.
Which give us something in common with the Minister, who, in my own impression, probably hasn’t seen a real cock in years.
Which seems a bit odd, as she’s not a bad-looking lady.
#fritz
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| Fuck that, I'm outa here... #da_Rooster |
