On Bread.

My neighbour was here earlier, and she asked me for some vegetable soup and tuna, because she knows I go to the food bank and I got a lot of it. Yeah, whatever. I sure as fuck ain’t going to eat it.

Much to my surprise, she started reading the labels as soon as I dug a few tins out of the cupboard. I was drunk, what can I say…the only thing she really forgot was the freshness date. That’s her mistake, and thanks for the cheap thrills.

We’ll see if she dies or what.

Apparently, a tin of vegetable soup will provide one-third of your daily allowance of monosodium glutamate. There’s some tomato juice and potatoes in there as well. This is in addition to a few other chemicals. The tuna, will provide you with x-amount of the same thing, and the great thing here is that there is no sugar in tuna. Lots of iron though, or am I thinking of convection-oven braised turnips. You’re better off to get that somewhere else. 

Like, in the beans or the creamed corn or something. The Kraft Dinner….the Spaghetti Noodle-Os. The peameal bacon, slimy as fuck from day one from the food bank. Lots of enzymes and shit in that. Free radicals and non-saturated fats.

Right? If that don’t clear up the old microbiome, I don’t know what will. As long as you don’t poop too often. You need time to absorb it.

Now, if you have cereal in the morning, that will give you two-thirds of your daily allowance of sugar and fifteen percent of your daily dairy intake. I’m sure you can do the math for yourself.

Assuming a large coffee on the way to work, a cup of tea, a bottle of water in the car and a glass of orange juice and an apple Danish on your break, you’ve now received eighty percent of your daily sugar intake but only 0.17 percent of your daily intake of vitamin-K and E-type anti-oxidants. You’ve got a whopping forty-nine-point-three percent of your daily vitamin-C. 

Not too much vitamin A and B, (or G) but what the hell. What the hell.

Trying to figure all this out will drive you crazy, and that’s why we’re here to help.

Okay, so it’s lunch now and you’ve had two slices of bread and a thin scrape of margarine. 

You’ve had a slice of bologna and a Kool-Aid drink box, cherry-flavoured.

You had an apple on the freaking bus.

You’ve had a slice of orange and a breath-mint, not to mention the strawberry douche last night. This is point-oh-one-three of your daily intake of sugar, nineteen percent (total, for the day) percent of your daily intake of whole grains and rice. Following me so far? It’s absorbed through the subcutaneous membranes, so watch out.

So now it’s time for that Snickers bar in the bottom drawer…ah, caught you there.

You’re busted.

Right?

Yeah, we know who you are now—you’re fucking confused, and you can’t deny it.

And yet you’re still hungry—can’t stop eating, which is what the government would advise.

It gets better—trust me on that one, it gets better. But this is why the government forces all them poor, dastardly retailers to put nutritional advice on the packaging, the purpose of which is to confuse the living fucking hell out of you. They don’t want you to know what you are eating, and that’s just the truth of it. Because that pork sandwich is all over the place, that Twinkie is going to kill you, and it’s all just a big waste of health-care dollars. So be sure and try to eat right, study the fuck out of that shit, and it will all save the taxpayers a whole shit-load of money in the long run. In the end, ladies and gentlemen.

In the end…

Now, if you’re smart, you’d eat 175 grams of salmon, one poached egg and a serving of hummus, and nine tablespoons of cinnamon a day, (one milligram of which would be good on an apple Danish), along with 4.2 micro-milligrams of turmeric and 40 mega-micrograms of ginseng. On the other hand, the quart of whiskey ain’t going to kill you, three packs of native smokes and a gram or two of crystal ain’t going to hurt you none at this point. We do like our sin taxes around here…

All that fucking stress, right…???

It’s just our government trying to look after us.

Now you know you’re really living.

You know what’s really good? Crushed garlic, keeps away vampires and everything. And radish juice. That works too.

So you’re all bellied up and feeling pretty good about things.

You really got something at this point.

I won’t say a word about the Ramen and the pasta.

Still,

…on this diet, you’re better off dead.

(Don’t read that shit, Lous. – ed.)

Now, this bread, which I made myself, has less than 0.0013 % salt and maybe double that in sugar. There ain’t no preservatives. No poly-absorbic fucktate. It’s probably the best damn bread you are ever going to eat.

What’s in there is flour, water, yeast, sugar, salt and cooking oil. That’s it, nothing more.

End